Reality Bites: Pain at the Micro and Macro Levels

We continue to glide on fumes here at the Shirar-Denning household.  With no fresh sources of income in sight soon--save a possible tax return--we've been relying heavily on the generosity of family, friends and neighbors to manage.  It's been taxing, to say the least.  The stress has been unrelenting, but so has our gratitude.  I can't wait to find work.  While I've enjoyed being home with the family these last few months, the cloud of uncertainty hanging over how we will stave off utility cut-offs and eviction has taken its toll.  It's hard to get out of bed in the morning.  Very, soul-crushingly hard.

Been saying an awful lot of "Hail Mary's" while waiting for all the paperwork we need to electronically file our taxes.  Embarrassingly, checking our mailbox has become the highlight of the day.  (*Sad sigh and LOL...*)  If and when we do see a return, we will immediately be "investing" in a used car.  Finally.  After four months of vehicleless-ness, you have to know it will be a massive relief!  Once we have transportation nailed down, finding decent employment won't be as huge of a hurdle.  Finding work has been a lesser challenge than trying to find a way to GET to employment.  Getting to interviews, job fairs and the like has been an uphill battle of epic proportions.  This is to say nothing of all the other things we desperately need a car for (kid's doctor's appointments, grocery runs, school-related activities, etc.)  I think you get the gist: having a big family with no car (and crappy public transportation access to boot) sucks.

Meanwhile, I can't help noticing it's not just us, of course.  It seems the economy at large is suffering and sputtering uncomfortably as well.  There's just so much bad-sounding news out there: large oil and gas companies going bankrupt by the dozens, oil predicted to plummet to below $30 a barrel, man-made disasters abound (i.e., the huge SoCal methane leak in California), the stock market plunging, climate change-fueled weather disasters mounting, war-driven refugee and immigration crises worsening, news of near-term human (not to mention insane numbers of other species') extinction going mainstream, mass shootings, and on and on...

It's a lot to swallow.  I was caught off-guard when, before school this morning, my seven year-old daughter asked me, specifically, on her own, about near-term human extinction.  It's not something I discuss openly...not even with my husband, let alone the kids.  She's my little science "nerd," though, and she voraciously plows through all things science like a little tornado.  Very proud of her!  She's fascinated by shows like Cosmos, old Bill Nye programs, and watches VSauce like there's no tomorrow.  Apparently she saw a video story regarding this heavy topic on YouTube last night.

I explained as matter-of-factly as I could to her that it's difficult to predict exactly what our future is going to look like, but signs point to most people having to do a lot more with much, much less as time goes on.  I asked her if this worried her, and she said she wasn't worried at all.  She quickly processed my attempt at a reasonable response and Spock-ishly replied, "Well, that's logical," and hurriedly launched into the subject to an upcoming field trip--making me chuckle somewhat.  How is my seven year-old finding YouTube videos like that?  I'm telling you, my little girl is a brain!

Fortunately, it's not ALL one big gloom 'n doom downer around here.  Light pierces what feels like an endless dark landscape here and there.  I am grateful when the daily slog is punctuated by amazingness.  For example, I mentioned in my previous post that my neighbor went into labor on new year's day.  She delivered a beautiful, healthy, nine pound, nine ounce baby boy.  Big fella!  Mom and baby came home a couple days later, and I had the pleasure of getting to spend some time with them--holding the baby for a couple hours!  I could cuddle babies all day...so deeply satisfying...sharing in the love.  Oh, and a few hours ago, another set of neighbors welcomed an adorable litter of puppies.  I was invited to be present for it, which was as fascinating as it was beautiful.

Other measures to combat heaviness we take upon ourselves.  When I'm desperate, and have a few minutes to spare, Cracked.com is a good distraction and even gets me to laugh.  Playing light-hearted comedy films and playing music helps.  We enjoy making short videos of the kids dancing around to stuff like "What Does the Fox Say?", "Whip, Nae Nae," and "Gangnam Style"...so cute!  It buys, at least me, some temporary respite from the constant angst of not knowing how we'll make ends meet.  Or from the panic that sets in when I don't know where I'll get the energy and motivation to tackle even some of the smallest things.  When things feel down, the kids always do or say something to get me smiling and laughing.  Writing here seems to help, too, of course.

In the background, though, reality can really bite hard.  But it seems like it's not just me.  It seems like it's just everywhere, the uncertainty and sense of impending not-so-greatness.  I marvel at those with bigger challenges than ours and marvel (sometimes with a hint of envy) how others cope.  I can only hope there's a light at the end of the gloomy tunnel it feels like we're in.  One that includes peace and stability for the world as a whole, and at our individual family levels.

Thanks for visiting and reading.  Not my finest writing--just some random thoughts on my take of the current view of things...!  Anyone else have stories/coping strategies that inspire out there?

May your week go well!

Happy New Year...?

Happy 2016, I suppose...

Most of the headlines on the news sites I torture myself reading (see links to the left) portend that 2016 will be yet another "Year of Suck," with a capital "S," to the bajillionth power.  You may ask if I enjoy inflicting psychological pain on myself--and why don't I find more positive stuff to expose myself to?

It just doesn't work that way.  Not for me, anyway.  There's a great book from 2009 by Barbara Ehrenreich called Bright-Sided.  If you get the time or inclination to check it out, it spells out perfectly my entire attitude towards those in the whole "think positive" camp.  It's kind of like The Matrix.  Once you've swallowed the red pill, you can't really "un-know" there's a load of impending or current "suck-dom" out there.

Anyway, yeah.  It's been a bizarre last couple weeks to say the least.  Our apartment was overrun last week.  My neighbor, overdue in her pregnancy, went into labor on new year's day.  While at the hospital, her five and eight year-old sons spent the day in our cramped quarters happily destroying Christmas toys with our seven, five and two year old.

In the midst of the mayhem, a teenage family friend randomly dropped by to visit and "help" (play loud video games).  He pretty much ate everything in the house that wasn't frozen or nailed down.  At least he distracted the kids from their gleeful orgy of destruction for a few minutes here and there.

During all this, our downstairs neighbors--a young couple and their two large dogs--burst hysterically into our apartment.  "Oh my God, our apartment is flooding with sewage again!"  The more the merrier...come on in!

While frantically leaving voice mails for the (closed) leasing office and waiting for emergency maintenance to show up (several hours), Sewage Trauma Neighbors brought up the pots and pans they'd been cooking lunch in before being rudely interrupted by crap exploding from their walls. Oh, and dog food and water bowls that our two year-old found absolutely amazing.  In the tornadic chaos, Video Game "Helper" Dude didn't mind if he did help himself to a good portion of Sewage Trauma Neighbors' lunch, either.

As the exhausting afternoon blurred into an evening haze of refereeing kid's arguments ("He mashed his yellow Play-Doh into my Iron Man transformer, and now Iron Man won't make 'swoosh' sounds anymooooore!!!"), mopping up kid messes, fixing busted toys, scrubbing dog food off the walls, listening to Sewage Trauma Neighbors' tales of woe, and politely dodging the slobbery affections of their hyper-friendly dogs, there came a knock at the door...

Why, it was the semi-homeless friend of Giving Birth Neighbors--you know, the neighbors not home because they were at the hospital having a baby?  Giving Birth Neighbors weren't home...because they were having a baby.  Did I mention Giving Birth Neighbors weren't home?  Semi-Homeless Dude was at a loss.  Reeking of stale weed, Semi-Homless Dude had no couch to surf on while Giving Birth Neighbors weren't home--so could he maybe, like, crash in our spare room for a while?  I mean, like, just 'til Giving Birth Neighbors got back, or something.  Was that okay?

Well, why the hell not?  Oh, and was Semi-Homeless Dude hungry, or anything?  Because we had a couple frozen fish sticks left in the bottom of the freezer that Video Game "Helper" Dude left untouched.  Come on in!  Good thing Semi-Homeless Dude showed up when he did, too, because he discovered our hallway bathroom toilet was all clogged up, man!  Could it be, like, plunged, or something...? 

The mention of a clogged can, however, wound up being a PTSD trigger for Sewage Trauma Neighbors--because they immediately launched into a rant worthy of Hitler on crack.  We all needed to band together and sue the apartment complex, Sewage Trauma Neighbors insisted, because faulty, neglected plumbing, goddammit!!

Reeling, in the back of my mind, that old Elvis song, "In the Ghetto," played over and over and over...

Happy New Year, indeed.